If you have been following this blog for a little bit, you know that Jon and I have been trying to conceive baby number two for a little over two years now. It's not my most favorite thing to talk about, so I don't mention it often, but I felt like it was time for a little update.
It took us five months to get pregnant with Nathan so never in my wildest imaginings did I ever think it would take us this long for number two. We got pregnant right before Mother's Day last year and then miscarried about six weeks later. I can honestly say that I have never been at a lower point in my life than last summer.
I went through the stage of thinking that if God could take our little one, who we had already been trying a year for, what is to stop Him from taking my little Nathan? Or Jon? And I had to learn that God is my Father and that He is good.
I went through the stage of being so desperate to get pregnant that I could barely stop thinking about it. If I wasn't Googling something, I was reading something, thinking about something, trying to figure out our timing and what day of my cycle I was in. And I had to learn that God's timetable is not necessarily my own timetable.
Starting in November, we began seeing a fertility specialist. After dozens of tests, ultrasounds, bloodwork and semi-painful procedures, we discovered there was nothing wrong. The doctor didn't know why we weren't getting pregnant. So, we did three IUIs (inter-uterine insemination) and several rounds of a fertility drug believing that our odds of success were going to be great and still...nothing. And I had to learn that God is the Author of Life and He can choose whether or not He will work through a procedure.
I have questioned everything I believe. I have questioned everything about my life. Is God not good? Does He withhold something just to cause pain? Is He not giving us another child because we are terrible parents? Do I not read my Bible enough? Pray enough? If children are a blessing, what am I doing that is wrong?
How much, in my selfishness, I make this about me.
In the last several months especially, I have come to see so much of God's grace in my life. I have learned more about Him as a loving Daddy. I have learned to trust His timing and His direction for my life. He is Sovereign. I have seen the good in these years of infertility - the time alone with Nathan, the way this struggle has drawn me closer to Jon, the longing I have now for heaven.
I have learned to appreciate the days of being able to teach Nathan without having to split my attention to care for another. He is so passionate. I want him to learn to use that passion for good. I love being able to do things with him and play things with him and teach him how to make chocolate chip cookies and be able to be totally focused on him during the day. I love having a child who can play by himself and who understands that Mommy needs to write. I love my little helper doing the laundry or dusting or vacuuming (though for that one there is some debate about whether or not it's actually "help"). I love how we have the freedom to spontaneously go get frozen yogurt or play baseball in the backyard or run through the sprinklers on hot days.
After all this time, I can honestly say that I am content.
Do I still struggle with it? Of course. I still sometimes get teary thinking about it or thinking of our little one we lost. I still get the now-familiar ache anytime someone announces their own pregnancy or I see cute pregnant women or precious babies.
I do honestly believe that someday we will have another child in our home. And right now, we are just praying for God to make His will completely evident to us about what our next steps should be. We've been taking the summer off of fertility treatments so now we are waiting and praying and trying to discern His will. Should we do more fertility treatments? Are we perhaps being called to adoption? Or to simply wait and treasure this time we have right now?
I am so thankful for all of you. I have received so many wonderful, precious emails and comments and letters that I hold so dear to my heart. Please know that I pray for each of you. I would very much appreciate your prayers for wisdom for me and Jon.