I'm exactly one week away from my laparoscopy to remove the endometriosis and I'm getting more nervous by the minute. What if it doesn't work? What if they can't get the endometriomas out without damaging my ovaries? What if we aren't able to get pregnant or carry the baby to term again? I'm reading up on endometriosis diets, ways to increase the odds of conception, how to regain some hormonal balance in the midst of this disease.
All these fears. All these worries. All this concern over a surgery that hasn't even happened yet.
Do you ever have problems with this?? I've always joked that worrying is my spiritual gift, but I know it's a sin. I worry over everything. Before Jon, I worried I'd never meet the right guy. Then I worried we'd never get pregnant. Now this. I worry about my crazy son constantly it seems like. That he'll get hurt. That he'll grow up without learning discipline. Or the absolute worst, that he'll grow up and turn his back on God.
I worry that maybe I'm a terrible mother and that's why the infertility and the miscarriage happened. I worry that God hasn't forgiven me for a million sins throughout my life and this is the result.
How much I have to learn about our Heavenly Father.
I'm reading Hannah's Hope now by Jennifer Saake and I really want to recommend it to those of you struggling through infertility and miscarriages along with me. I've already learned so much, but there's a few things that have stood out to me more than others so far:
1. God loves us. He gave up His only Son for us - I can't even comprehend a love like that.
2. I struggle big time with envy. I envy my friends who are pregnant, those who have a big family like I've always wanted or those who just had babies. I can't even tell you the tears I've cried over women who I know weren't even trying and got pregnant with babies they didn't necessarily even want. I have a feeling this will be something that takes time for God to work on in me. But I am making progress.
3. There is a difference between punishment and discipline, between judgement and refinement. I know that I am not the most stellar of mothers, but I pray every day that if Nathan learns anything from me, he learns to follow Jesus. May God use this endometriosis, this infertility and this miscarriage to change me more and more into the likeness of His Son.
I know I've opened up the comments for prayer requests before, but I really just feel like I need to do that again today. Please share if there's something that you are struggling with today so that I can be praying for you. And please pray for the others who have left comments as well.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then
I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.