I finally went to church this morning. I think I've missed the last five weeks just due to everything going on and the constant on-and-off again bed rest. And I made it. The last song had me sobbing, but I held it together through the majority of church.
It's the little victories right now.
The last few days have actually been good. I've felt covered in prayer, thanks to so many of you, friends and family. I've felt covered in grace. I still doubt and I still struggle and I still have questions but I think I've recognized that I will ALWAYS have those questions. I will always struggle at some point or another with what has happened. I will always question God's goodness in this situation.
But, at some point, I have to listen to what I sing to Nathan every day:
Jesus loves me. This I KNOW. For the Bible tells me so.
Sometimes, you have to go back to the basics. In a lot of ways, I feel like everything I have always believed about God has had to be relearned. WHY is God good? What does that mean? Does Jesus really love me? What does that look like in day to day life?
I've started reading Job again. It's a familiar story. Job loses everything - wealth, property, animals and most of all, ALL of his children. His reaction is what gets me though. After he heard this news, he tore his clothes, fell to the ground, worshiped God and said this:
"Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
If that wasn't enough, it ended the chapter with this verse: "Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God."
How much I have to learn. How much I have to grow.
We have been trying to fill the days with fun things. I tend to get very withdrawn and depressed if I sit and think too much right now. It is good to stay up and keep focused on the wonderful blessings I have around me. Especially a precious little boy who is about to turn two in two weeks.
I can't believe we are so close already.
We are doing a - you guessed it - baseball (or "BEEBALL") themed birthday party, so Gammy, Nathan and I went shopping this last week at Party City and Walmart for a few fun things to use. This picture is about as perfect as it gets at showing what a great mix Nathan is of me and Jon:
Baseballs in both hands and a Starbucks under the arm. That's my baby.
Afterwards, we found a helmet (Nathan calls them "hulms") on clearance and he was SO excited about it that I just couldn't resist. He wore it through the entire store.
Oh, and all the way home. Yes, he is still cheesing like this. Oh the school yearbook pictures I'm already planning to keep as blackmail. ;)
Friday night, we decided we needed just a fun family night and so Jon, Nathan and I ran a couple of errands and then went to Olive Garden for dinner. Where Nathan loudly told everyone in a twenty yard vicinity that "I weddy for dinnewr!!" Every single person who walked by was asked where his dinner was. "Whewr is dinnewr?" "Naynen dinnewr?" "I need dinnewr!" I told him at one point that the waiter was going to bring bread first and he yelled, "MMMM!! BWEAD!! Yay bwead!!"
The food finally came and the boy did not stop eating. He ate one and a half breadsticks, a whole huge bowl of macaroni and cheese, a bowl of grapes and since he scarfed all that down before Jon and I could finish our meal, we ordered him some ice cream too.
The waiter set the bowl in front of him and Nathan said, "Oh! Ice weam!" And then he started singing. "Happy to you, Naynen. Happy to you, Naynen!" He had to finish the birthday song before he ate the ice cream.
I don't think I will ever be bored with him around.