I am not sure how I'm doing. Okay and not okay. Good all things considering and terrible all things considering. One minute I'm busy doing things and distracted and the next minute I'm crying as I'm reminded that our little one is no longer with us.
In a lot of ways, I'm just numb. I can't believe that we are here at this place again. Twice in the last three weeks I've been told the baby is gone. Our miracle heartbeat gave me so much hope that I would get to see and hold this baby someday and it just seems cruel of God to take that away again. I know in my head that God is not cruel - I know in my head that He loves me. It's just hard to know that in my heart right now.
I'm so beyond sad. At times, I'm angry. Other times, I'm terrified that God will take something else away from me. What if something happens to Nathan? Or to Jon? I can't even bear the thought.
I started cramping today and I'm still bleeding so I know it's only a matter of time. I am doing my absolute best to look ahead. I'll need to get the cysts removed on my ovaries sometime in the next month or so. Then we have the green light to try again. And while I hope and pray that we can get pregnant and that it is much easier this time around, I'm also heartbroken that it won't be this baby. And I'm terrified that this will happen again.
Jon started teaching summer school and today was the first day I've been home alone with Nathan in over a month. In a way, it was very cathartic to have some semblance of normalcy - I got him out of his crib this morning, we ate breakfast together and ran some errands. He was so happy. I could just see a huge difference in his mood since we were back home and I was back to holding him.
Please keep praying for us. I don't understand why this is happening. I'm clinging with every shred of my being to the most basic, simple truths about God that I know. God is good. God is in control.
I'm sure all of you know about the Waldo Canyon Fire raging through Colorado Springs right now. Please, please pray for the people there. Our dear friends who live there - Greg, Jen and little Noah - just got an evacuation order. It has been a good reminder to me today that we are not the only ones in this world suffering. We live in a fallen world.
How I long for heaven.
Please watch this video. Doug Nuenke, the president of The Navigators, a huge Christian ministry in Colorado Springs who also heads up NavPress (my publisher) was interviewed today by Fox News. What he says ministered to me and I'm sure the thousands of people who have been evacuated by this fire.