Yesterday, Clint, Leigh Ann and Hayley all came over for dinner. It really was a good distraction. I only sat down for maybe 30 minutes yesterday, which ended up being a good thing. The more I sit, the more I think and right now, I just want to do.
Nathan was beyond thrilled to see his adorable friend again. Notice the sticker on his shirt? Our local grocery store gives them to the kids and he now asks for stickers at every cashier wherever we are. "Asks" being a nice way of saying "demands".
He is becoming the biggest boy. Today, he got to have cereal for the first time and I don't think he has ever been more proud of himself.
He is definitely in the terrible twos. His newest saying is "No, Naynen do it!" I promise I hear this at least 642 times a day. And if I say, "No, Mommy is going to do it," he throws a huge fit. We went to lunch and did some errands with Gammy today and he was just awful. I think we are still readjusting to life as it is now.
I am still readjusting too.
I'm really doing my best to look ahead. God willing, I will be able to have the laparoscopic surgery for the endometriosis they found on my ovaries in the next several weeks so we can begin to try again. My doctor thinks that it's the endometriosis that contributed to the miscarriage, so my prayer is that with it removed, maybe we will be able to get pregnant quickly and carry the baby successfully.
Sometimes I just get crushed with sadness. I feel like there is this weight in my heart that I just can't lift. So, I get up and keep doing things. I made and froze 18 breakfast burritos yesterday. My bathroom has never been cleaner. I worry that if I stop and truly think about what is happening, I will never get up again.
When Nathan was tiny tiny, I would always rock and sing him to sleep. One of my absolute favorite songs to sing to him was Chris Rice's "Come to Jesus". Once Nathan turned one, he stopped wanting to be rocked to sleep, he just wanted to be laid in bed.
He must know that something is up because for the last three days, he's let me rock him and sing him to sleep again for bed and nap time. He'll lay his head on my shoulder and as soon as the song ends he'll say, "More song? More song, Mommy?" I've been singing that song again and it's just been a reminder to myself that this isn't IT. This isn't the end. All day on Tuesday all I could think was "we have no hope" since we couldn't even see our sweet baby anymore. But God has been reminding me of Paul's words in 1 Thessalonians that we are not like those who have no hope - we who are in Christ have the assurance that this life is as bad as it gets for us. Soon, we will be in heaven and my family will be complete.
I am still struggling. I am still asking why. I don't think I will ever understand. I worry that my trust in God will never be the same as it was before this. I am hoping that Romans 8:26 is right in that the Holy Spirit prays for us when we can't pray in our weakness. My prayers have become a jumbled mix of desperate pleas and tearful questions.
God is faithful. I have been trying to focus on the "is" in that verse. He IS faithful. Not was, not will be. Is.