34
I have debated for the last few months whether I should write this here or not. It's something I'm not very good or willing (a lot of the time) to talk about. But, I want this blog to be an honest representation of my life. I try to write about the struggles I'm in the middle of and the fun we're having. I try to write about good days and bad days. Which was why I finally decided to write this post.
My brother and I are nineteen months apart. And I absolutely LOVED that growing up. Mom had all four of us in five and a half years and as a result, my siblings have become some of the best friends I have. They make me laugh and I love that we are all still very close. (Even as I'm writing this, I had to turn my phone on silent so it wouldn't keep buzzing with a group text with all of them.)
So, when Jon and I started talking about having a family someday, I knew I wanted our children to be close as well. It took us about six months to get pregnant with Nathan and so I knew that it may not be the easiest road to get pregnant again with the next one, but I have been around so many women who actually had it easier the second time. So, I imagine my hopes were set pretty high.
We are now going on nine months of trying for another baby. And while I realize that nine months is nothing compared to how long a lot of people have to wait for a child, this month in particular has been the hardest on me. Maybe because in my mind, I would like to have been due with my second next month.
I know that God has a plan. And I know that His plan is for my good. But that doesn't take away the sadness and disappointment of yet another month of hearing a "no" from God. Last Sunday morning was my official Break Down and Cry Day. And I hate that.
Here's the thing: I am SO blessed! I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful and healthy son, a perfect little home and the ability to do what I love - both in being a mom and being a writer. I should want absolutely nothing else and yet I am having the hardest time in the world being content. I want another child. I want to experience another baby growing inside me and the miracle of feeling him or her kick. I want Nathan to be a big brother and for him to know the unending joy and sometimes pain of being a sibling.
And yet, God still has said no.
I don't want to become bitter - always asking "why not?" and "how come?" I don't want to become angry and not be able to share in the joy of seeing my friends get pregnant and have babies. I don't want to become obsessed with this area of my life and miss out on the wonderful age that Nathan is and the time I have with him right now.
So this is what I'm working on: Patience. I'm working on waiting. And I'm working on learning more of who God is and what His plan for my life entails. Maybe it doesn't include a house full of kids like I always dreamed of. Maybe it includes only one precious, precious boy. Whatever His plan, I am learning to let go of mine and trust in His.
I am a slow learner.
So, if you wouldn't mind and if you think of it, would you be praying for me? Pray that I'll learn to be content with THIS stage in my life. Pray that I will come to know God better and that I will cling to Him even tighter through this struggle. And please pray that He will be gentle with me as I learn these lessons.
And know that I am praying for all of you out there who are in a stage of waiting as well - whether it's waiting to finish school, waiting for a husband, waiting for a baby or waiting for the next stage in life. If you feel up to it, please leave your prayer requests in the comments so I can be praying for you by name! We're in this walk together.
Love the Lord and follow His plan for your lives, cling to Him and serve Him enthusiastically. - Joshua 22:5
